shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
