I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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