First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
