her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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