You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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