It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
