Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
