I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I fill condoms, not promises.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
