dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
