Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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