Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
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If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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