I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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