i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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