70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
