She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
