Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
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It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
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He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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