So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
