It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
