dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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