Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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