How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
