Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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