I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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