What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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