whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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