I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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