I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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