you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
