my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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