Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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