Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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