i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
