Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
