those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
