I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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