you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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