fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
