non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
