Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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