new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
