Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
