You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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