Man, jail baloney is awful.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
