I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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