I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
