maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Randomize
