Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
