..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
