Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
