She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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