when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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