So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
