Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
