Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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