Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
